think out quiet.

remind me to be thankful later when i don’t have so much to do. i mean it!

…ironic?

the test.

i really believe that i live in two completely different worlds.

part of me couldn’t help but think about the fact that it’s still only my second year of not being at you-know-who’s thanksgiving festivities. i tried really hard to truly cut him out of my life, but i’ve finally come to realize that it may never happen—at least not right now. we are intertwined. interwoven.

—-in a nutshell:

“okay, let’s just get this out of the way. we have to talk before we are awkwardly together in a group again. i know i said we would never talk again, but.. that’s stupid, right? i mean, it’s ridiculous to think that we won’t ever be hanging out at the same place.”

“i want to respect whatever you want and i’ll stay away if that’s what you want”

“no, no, that’s not what i want.. that’s the opposite of what i want. which is why i told you i didn’t want to talk anymore. don’t you get it? am i explaining myself well? i like talking to you, but it plants this little seed in the back of my mind that shouldn’t be there..”

“yeah, yeah i know what you’re saying, but i don’t have a magic solution. i don’t have any answers for you.”

“remember what i needed you to say in the summer? can’t you just tell me we’ll never be together again?” (equally hoping for a “yes” or a “no”)

“…let’s just wing it”

“okay, see you in a bit.”

—-

after this phone conversation, i thought about you, mr. new guy. i thought about your charming smile and the way your hair falls out of your dreads in the front and it feels soft when i tuck it behind your ear. how we get ourselves into ridiculous situations and love every second of it. i remembered your face, and i couldn’t remember another’s. i felt slightly guilty for having had to have the previous conversation.. i wish it was long in the past. i’ll have to tell you that he was there; i hope you trust me. i didn’t feel anything except for relief at my lack of nostalgia and emotion at the sight of him. i stayed true.. i passed the test. i passed the test.

enough.

something in me won’t go home.

i could’ve easily gone home last night, but i stayed to write my paper which i ended up not even touching. i should be getting ready to go home right now, but i’m here. playing dick tracy. thinking. writing. resisting.

what is it? fear? obligation? opposition?

i’ve been looking forward to going home for months. and now that the time has come..

i think i have a constant fear of losing progress. in becoming my own. in getting on with my life. in leaving home behind. and every time i go home, i love it a little too much. and a big part of me wants to stay. but that is too scary, and i can’t let myself think like that.

i’ve cut off ties with you-know-who and i just KNOW i’m going to see him at least once this week. that always throws me for a loop. is it wrong to wish he didn’t exist? yes, yes it probably is. i thought about this yesterday..

a few summers ago, i had gotten to the point where i was seriously considering breaking up with him. a few good friends of mine talked me out of it and told me what it was like to commit to someone.. tough love. sticking it out. all of that. and so i did.. and the love came back. it really did. to the point of ripping me apart once it was taken from me. last night, i remembered this time and wondered what my life would be like now if i had actually broken up with him when i was ready to.

i think i would be a pretty different person right now.. for better or for worse.

—-

this thanksgiving is going to be our first family get-together since my cousin came out of the closet. we e-mail pretty often, and i’m pretty much the only family member who has shown him any sort of support. this means:

-half of the family may or may not hate him
-half of the family may or may not hate me
-this is going to be reeeeeeeeeally interesting.

—-

another piece of this is that peter’s family expects me to visit them when i come home. tess even brought home some chocolate covered macadamian nuts for me from hawaii, to replace the other ones peter ate last time. i feel honored to be a small part of their family, but i’m also starting to question how healthy it is for me. it’s hard to go home and just be with my family, because home has come to mean so many things. home is facing the loss of someone who was greatly influential in my life. home is being with our friends, and still not being able to understand why he isn’t there.

home is old memories and triggers and familiar roads and lost pets and sibling arguments and no bed and busy and chaos and noise and too quiet and.. hard.

…that’s why i’ve been trying so hard to make a new home for myself. here in anderson. or even containing the feeling of home to be within my own chest. my goal? to take home with me wherever i go. my home is the spirit within me. my home is in the arms of the Almighty; with Fate; with the swelling inspiration and the sorely mistaken and the “tu me manques” and the ” je ne t’aime pas” and the beaucoup de “desole”s.

enough.

soa protest

GOOD weekend.

ohio friends and AU friends, together at last ! a lot of good information and a lot that depresses you to the point that you don’t know what to do with it, but you know that you just have to do something. i realized something on saturday: i finally felt at home.

sometimes i have a hard time feeling like i’m at home, because life is always changing and inconsistent. and maybe my home isn’t where i want to be. but there, in a huge parking lot outside of a military base with helicopters flying around, CIA taking pictures out of the tower, empowering music blaring, people of all ages - very young to very old.. we were a strange family. we were all there for a common cause.. human rights. justice. equality. religiously driven or not, everyone took care of each other. we had so much more in common than most people that i actually do know. i didn’t want to leave, because something about it just felt right. it was more meaningful for me this year than last. and the feeling set in even more when we got back to campus. my heart dropped a little. back at school.. tedious responsibilities and rules. student role.

i met one of the co-founders for “food not bombs” and he is AWESOME. he’s been arrested over 100 times ! and has spent more then 2 years in jail.. all for giving out food to hungry people. i could listen to him talk about his life literally forever. i’m going to try to bring him to campus next semester.. he seemed pretty excited. and i’m really interested in starting a chapter here in anderson. it doesn’t seem all that complicated.. :]

another aspect of this weekend was that i’m pretty sure that i loved and that i let myself be loved, and that is a new thing. i actually didn’t feel like running away at all this weekend, which was nice but scary in itself, looking back on it ! of course, i’m terrified again now that i’m back into normal life. but.. i think i’m learning a lot. i know in my head that this is good.