6th
From May to now; a new year.
I feel like I’ve had a whirlwind of emotions for the past…oh, 6 months that I haven’t even figured out how to express. I feel like I haven’t reflected on myself or my life or my emotions in about that long. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not in school and I don’t really feel mentally stimulated very often, or if I just haven’t really had time. This is what I’ve got.
May/June: Italy
Italy was…hard. Fun, but hard. It was my first longer touristy-only trip. Usually, I’m building relationships in some way or helping someone in some manner. And usually, I’m in an uncomfortable living situation or in a culturally different place. Obviously, Italian culture is different from the U.S., but not really extreme (at least in comparison to my other experiences). It was hard because I didn’t get to talk to Micah very often, and I missed him really badly. It was harder because I was living with people who couldn’t really understand what was hard about that. It was hardest because I knew that may be my last summer to be close to him (and to Ohio), as I was taking the Community Organizing job which could land me anywhere in the country. Glad I got to go, but I guess it just wasn’t really what I expected, and then I was very broke for a while. I also didn’t learn anything about plants or faming by staying on a WWOOF farm. Maybe a little about when lavender is ripe to pick.
June/July/August: hell. Oh, I mean…Louisville.
Louisville is actually a really cool city and I wish I could’ve embraced it in all of its glory, but the only people I met were crazy church people through my work. The community organizing job was also not at all what I expected, and more. I worked a job there that I hated, and that was actually pretty traumatizing. I was basically being paid to trick people into supporting my cause that I convinced them was their cause. It was so hard to not be genuine with these folks that I was meeting. I think I would’ve really like what I was doing if there was actually a cause that we were working towards, but I didn’t even know what the fuck I was trying to convince them to do. I just had memorized hours of speeches that I had to puke on everyone over and over again, in the same order. Asking the same questions, but to different people who were all kind of the same and gave the same answers anyway. I was working every day of the week, even on Sunday mornings by going to churches to try to recruit people. I didn’t mind not having much free time, since I had absolutely no friends except for my drug-dealing apartment neighbor who let me pet his dog every now and then when he took it outside. Oh, and the homeless men who stayed in a shelter across from my window who always yelled and whistled at me. I really think I could’ve done it…gotten by without many friends, if I had liked the work I was doing.
August - January (now): Springfield, OH.
I moved home at the end of August, and moved in with my best friend and her husband, which has been an incredibly huge blessing. I actually have no idea how I would be surviving right now if I weren’t living with them (emotionally, and financially). It’s actually been extremely hard sometimes to live here. And I don’t think I’ve really admitted that all that often, even to myself. Every month at work has been really draining and difficult, for different reasons every month. I think that I started working at the Refugee Resettlement program because I DID know what to expect (after my last experience), and I had a really great experience in Indianapolis. What a shock it was to start in this program, which was ragged and falling apart. Since I’ve been working there, two people have quit, and another was fired. There’s only 9 of us on the team, and there were only 7 before me and the other new girl were hired. Pretty much everyone there who hasn’t left yet is burnt out and ready to quit (as far as I can tell), and sometimes I think it would just be better if they did. Sometimes I think I’m burnt out already and it would just be better if I quit, too.
Anything that is good about my job is because I had to work really hard to make it that way; I had absolutely no help or guidance starting this job and at this point, I’ve guided myself and don’t really need it now. But this, combined with the fact that everyone I work with (except for one person) is at least 20-40 years older than me. The one person I enjoyed working with quit a few weeks ago. It’s really fucking hard to have a stressful job and not really like anyone that you work with. I got invited to go ice skating tonight with two of my co-workers, and I said no. For one, because I don’t live in Dayton and I don’t particularly like driving there twice in one day. But mostly, it’s because I don’t really like my co-workers and try to interact with them as little as possible at work, so why would I hang out with them outside of work. When work is over, I try to go to my happy place and forget about my job.
I’ve been pretty torn, because every now and then I feel like I kind of like my job. Most of the time, I don’t. But, starting this job, I really wanted to stick it out at least one or two years, even for the sake of my resume. But damn, this is hard. Last night (among countless other nights), I woke up basically having a nightmare about my clients and what I need to do for their cases. It’s too much. It’s too much stress to handle. It’s only been 4 months, and I think that’s kind of pathetic. But I also know that almost no one I know could do what I do at my job, and still be sane.
This is another thing that’s been bugging/haunting me: I feel like I’m losing that spark. I don’t know how to explain it…I don’t feel alive like I used to. I don’t ever seize the day; I get through the day. Hell, I barely even enjoy it half of the time. I remember when I hardly had any bad days…years ago. I thought work would be better than college because I wouldn’t be so busy and I wouldn’t have homework to do after work. I could just be done after work. But I’m never done; at least not mentally. It follows me and haunts me all day and all night, and I almost never feel resolved or rested in those ways. I don’t know if it’s because of the type of job that I have, or if it’s that and the added 1 1/2 hr drive every day, or if it’s just working full-time/being an adult.
WHAT THE FUCK does that even mean, anyway? Being an adult. What changes a college student into an adult? Worries and financial problems? Unhappiness? Buying into the American dream? Fuck all of it, I don’t want any of it. I feel so trapped and so worried all of the time. I worry because I don’t have any money. I just never thought that would really be a problem, because I live pretty simply in comparison to most. I hardly ever go shopping, and I don’t go out to eat all that much. If I didn’t have student loans to pay on, man I would be RICH. I’ve only been paying on my student loans for two months now, and I’ve already paid about $3500 in loans. I guess it’s not necessary for me to do that, but I’m trying to just get rid of these monsters as soon as possible. It’s hard to feel happy and free when you’re waiting for every paycheck to finally come just so you can dump it onto a chunk of money that you owe someone for an education that should’ve been free in the first place. And it’s really not very encouraging to use up your entire paycheck and have brought your principal down by 1%. Maybe I just need to stop caring, and pay the minimum and accept that I’m going to be paying this back for the rest of my life.
So, most of what I think about it…my clients’ problems, my problems, and money. Doing social work doesn’t really leave any room for me to freely invest in people around me like I normally would. Worse, there are few that I truly connect with in Springfield. It’s hard to find a compelling conversation around here. Wow, that’s the first time I’ve admitted that. Obviously, I have friends, some of my best ones are here or close by. But other than that, it feels like a lot of small talk and wastes of time. It feels like a lot of work to build friendships that will never really be deep or meaningful. I think I started noticing this most after spending New Year’s in Anderson.
Which brings me to another thing that’s been really hard. I really fucking miss Anderson. I miss it’s grime and shitty look. I miss the quirky DQ’s that have “Buy 6, get 18 free” dilly bar deals and the family-owned breakfast places and my church that meets in a shitty old leaky school building in the ghetto, full of white people who—somewhere deep inside, want to make a difference. One of my favorite parts of Anderson was the people that I would become friends with that were SO different from me. Black, crazy, homeless, whatever they were…it was different from me and I LOVED building those relationships out of the pure and simple commonality of our humanity. I don’t talk about shit like that anymore, and I don’t even feel shit like that anymore. I only know one homeless man in Springfield, and I rarely see him. I don’t know the in’s and out’s of Springfield, like I did Anderson. The only part of Springfield that I’ve really felt at all passionate about or invested in is the “Equality Springfield” events that I’ve been taking part of. Maybe I need to start running with that crowd a little more, but again, I’m the youngest person in that group of folks. WHERE ARE THE YOUNG PEOPLE IN SPRINGFIELD THAT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING.
Some of them meet in my house every Sunday night for our community meetings. But I’ve been feeling pretty discouraged about those, because I somehow became the organizer for them (unknowingly/unwillingly). We’ve lost a few really valuable and meaningful people, due to selfish actions of others in the group. And they’re the ones who are still coming. I don’t know what I think of community anymore…I know that community can’t just be with the people you want it to be with. But it’s been really hard to convince myself to spend time with people that I don’t really care about. I don’t really have any sort of mentor that I can totally be myself with, like I had in Anderson. I don’t think I really realized how valuable it was to have the professors that I had (who I know are still there for me if I need them), but also to have people that I met just through life in Anderson—through the community garden, through church, through the forum, whatever. I don’t ever meet anyone new here; I go to work and I come home and I hang out with Micah and my roommates, and sometimes with other friends.
The problem is that I never feel challenged in any way. My favorite part about life is that humans, in general, are always growing and changing and transforming. And I think I’ve just felt stuck since I’ve moved back, because it’s all I can do just to survive the week with my job and everything else. Having to plan a wedding has only added to that stress and lack of time, although I’m very much looking forward to being married. Micah is an incredible source of light in my life, and is an inspiration to me when nothing else is.
I always thought it was kind of silly when my friends (and sometimes Micah) have talked about wanting to just work part-time for the rest of their lives so that they can spend time with friends, building relationships, and building community. But now that I’m working full-time and realizing how meaningless it feels in my own personal life, that’s sounding pretty damn good. The problem with that is that I can’t afford to do something like that, even if I wanted to. So, what I can’t figure out is if I’m feeling all of these things because I’m just in a bad job, or if that’s what I’ll feel like with any full-time job. I need an environment that makes me feel excited about life and passionate and hopeful and meaningful. Everyone at my job thinks I’m naive when I’m optimistic about any situation at all, and I never want to end up like that. I never want to lose to optimism, because I don’t think it’s naivete. I think it’s faith, hope, and love, and that’s the gospel, god dammit. I feel like this world, and this culture, just tries to turn us into money-spending, money-owing, hopeless, numb, depression-medicine-taking robots.
When I was in Anderson, my friend Joe asked me if I ever feel restless in Springfield or not. I answered honestly and said that I was happy there, and that I just needed to do something out of the ordinary every now and then and I could be happy. Which was true, and maybe is still true…maybe it’s just building up. But I’m starting to feel like I need a pretty big change. I don’t want to go on like this, and I don’t want to get used to this type of a life. I miss school; I miss learning, I miss feeling inspired by those around me. I just cooked a real meal for myself for the first time in over a month. I don’t know what has happened. I just make enough and eat enough to get by, and I don’t know where my days go, really. I have a few hours left in the day by the time I get home from work to (on a good day) run, shower, eat, and have a few conversations. Around 9:00 p.m., I can’t do too much because it will wake me up and I’ll have a hard time sleeping (which happens more and more often).
So maybe my anxiety is a problem, too. Maybe that’s part of the problem…I worry about not sleeping, which makes me not be able to sleep. And I drink more alcohol JUST so I can go to sleep. I called last week to start counseling and they never even called me back. What the fuck! I called again and am waiting. Maybe I need to start reading more inspiring books, but I just really miss having radical friends who inspire me that I have challenging and insightful conversations about the world with. And I miss living simply. I’m thinking of my time in India, and even in Costa Rica…I’ve been playing with the idea of the Peace Corps lately, though I haven’t really talked about it with Micah (ha).
You know, I’m not a regular anywhere. Just a thought.
I’m not expecting anyone to actually read this, but it was really really good for me to get all of this out. I guess I’ve been holding a lot in for a while, because I haven’t really known what to do with all of those emotions. I think I’ve just been happy that I’m in a healthy relationship, with a job where I don’t have to lie to people, in a house with other people. Which I’m still happy about (all of those things), but it doesn’t mean I need to ignore the rest of my emotions because other things in life aren’t bad. It’s funny, because a few nights ago, I told Micah that something bad was about to happen because things have been so good for so long. And then I had a friend tell me that I always have it “together” and that I probably am having a hard time handling the stress of my job because I’ve never really had to deal with anything hard in life. Ha! To be fair, she really had no idea what the past 5 years of my life have been like, which is where the hardships have lied.
It’s January, 2012. That means:
1. Micah and I have been together for a whole year now.
2. It’s almost been 3 years since Peter died.
3. I’ve been working at CSS for 4 months.
4. It’s 4 months until my wedding.
5. It’s a new year.
So, I think it’s time for some New Year’s Resolutions.
1. Make a New Year’s Resolutions list (@Abra)
2. Don’t get pregnant (@Heather)
3. Get married (really hope this one happens haha)
4. Stop biting my nails (this one may be on here every year)
5. Find the beauty in every day.
6. Play more music (especially banjo and violin)
7. Do more: dancing, reading, painting.
8. Make more friends.
9. Worry less; Pray more.
10. Be a part of something different, and something bigger than yourself.
The last four or five years have been a lot of turmoil, a lot of change and growth and healing and newness. This past year has been a lot of those same things, and most of all, a year of recovery. A year to breathe and feel safe and loved and like things are going to be okay. This year is also going to be a year of change and growth. I’m getting married, I’m going to live with Micah for the first time (and only with one person for the first time), and whatever other changes come along with that. But I really want to be intentional about the personal growth that could come from this year. I think I need to reflect more and be more in tune with myself again. It’s been a while.
Jill, meet Jill. Nice to see you, old friend. It was good catching up with you.
