13th
lists.
Boy, there’s a lot to say.
Things I like about my apartment/living alone:
-No roommates (haha)
-Walking around in my underwear whenever I want
-Eating meals in my underwear
-Underwear
-I can turn my record player up as loud as I want
-It’s so close that I come home and make lunch every day instead of packing it
-I park in the same spot for home and work
-There’s a ledge outside of one of my bedroom windows and I like to sit out there and read
-If it’s dirty, I’m okay with it, and I’ve had strange urges to actually keep it clean
-My building and apartment are beautiful
Things I don’t like about my apartment/living alone:
-No roommates, aka super lonely.
-The fine line between allowing yourself to stay in your pajamas and never getting out of your pajamas…
-The loneliness makes it seem okay to lay in my bed and watch shows and eat ice cream (it’s not okay).
-The homeless men across the street won’t stop whistling at me
-I watched a man dig through my office’s trash when sitting on said ledge the other night, and I also watched a drug deal go down in the parking lot.
-I feel very isolated and feel like I have to be to feel “safe”
-Nothing on the weekend is all that fun to do by yourself.
-The washer/dryer is right above my room and makes my entire apartment shake, which happens a few times a week.
-I’ve already bought two new candles in this period of time, because candles are strangely comforting and make you feel like you’re not alone.
-I have to keep my blinds closed all of the time (because I’m in my underwear.)
So there you have it, folks. Every weekend, I have been able to see at least one friend from home for one night, and that has helped significantly. Last night, I had dinner with my good friend Kevin Luce, who I think slipped a bottle of ketchup into my bag that I discovered on the way home. Anyway, today is the day where I don’t see anyone and get really sad and pathetic and get mad at Micah for having fun with his friends without me. hahaha. You know it’s bad when you wake up and think “Okay, it’s 11:00 a.m…I just have to keep myself entertained for 13 more hours before it’s okay to go back to sleep” haha. I’m thinking of going to see a movie by myself, which could be fun. And I bought “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” the other day, which is surprisingly entertaining, so I may allow myself to read that for the entire day. :]
On another note, I started to get worried this week that I’m quitting too soon or giving up on the job too soon. So I wanted to write this out and figure it out. Okay time to make another list.
Things I like about my job:
-Meeting with interesting people
-The possibility that I may actually be making a difference
-In theory, I like community organizing and flying by the seat of your pants
-My lead organizer seems like a pretty good guy
Things I don’t like about my job:
-Calling people and being vague enough to get them to meet with me
-Getting yelled at by people on the phone who don’t want to meet with me
-Feeling like a salesperson (for JUSTICE!!!)
-Feeling fake in my conversations with people (acting interested when I’m not, asking things that I don’t give a shit about, acting like I’m their friend when really I’m just going to walk to my car and make a list of your self-interests and how I can engage you around those and if you are a leader or not, ETC.)
-My assistant organizer is really fake and awkward
-I never felt like my concerns were validated or taken seriously
-I don’t trust DART or the Director who hired me and then argued with me for an hour on the phone last week and told me Jesus Christ used community organizing strategies
-There is a big pressure to meet certain numbers of meetings each week and a number on your call list for each week and a number for the workshop, etc…lots of pressure.
-There is just not very much support.
-My board can decide to fire me at any time, so no job security
-People that I recruit have to pay dues to be members which pretty much goes to my future salary, so that just feels wrong
Ok ok so clearly my list of what I don’t like about my job is longer than the list of what I do like. I guess I just feel bad for giving up on it so soon, and I’m worried that I’m letting go of something that I could really like someday. But I almost don’t want to let myself like it because I have so many issues with it that I don’t necessarily want to be okay with, ever. And I’m worried that part of my motivation to leave is just to go home, because that really is where I want to be. But I guess that wouldn’t make it wrong, even if that was the whole reason (though it’s not). I just don’t want to be making a knee-jerk decision on something that I can’t see the big picture of. But I can’t imagine ever enjoying the process of building numbers and constantly recruiting and being “held accountable” for if you don’t do that. This whole “culture of accountability” is bullshit…it’s just hazing. Maybe I’m just worried because I don’t have another job lined up yet and it seems irresponsible for me to have quit. I just felt so good about the refugee interview that I quit, partially assuming that I would get that job. And I haven’t gotten a “no” yet, but I also haven’t gotten a “yes”, and I’m freaking out a little. I haven’t been unemployed in a while. Okay okay, I’m not going to think about any of this until next week. BAH. I just want to be settled and content and warm and fuzzy and happy.
